Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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