I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
