I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
