Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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