im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize