i was born a porn star she said
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
