Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
