Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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