you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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