Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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