Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I deserve this hangover.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
