i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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