i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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