Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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