GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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