Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
