the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
