I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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