I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
