I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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