who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
