It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize