i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
