there's paper in my vomit.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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