I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
