there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
