You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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