dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
