I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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