so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
