I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize