flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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