It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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