my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
