How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Text me some of your sweat
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
