ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
literally had 100 drinks last night.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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