made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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