babies were throwing up all over the place
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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