do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
