You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My ass is underappreciated
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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