Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
