The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
