Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
