the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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