So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
