I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
