If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i love accidental penises.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
