She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
