Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
