K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
