Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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