You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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