I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
