Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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