Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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