I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
