If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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