Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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