One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize