now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
