Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
