Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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