at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
