On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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