I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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