he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
