They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
