Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
