i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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