is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
